silence..?

"Another beginning." "Can you tell the difference?" 

"What do you think?" 

"Hmm..." "Isn't it quite a thing." 

"It is." "Amazing!" "Its amazing how it happens." "Can you figure it out?" 

"No." "But not all things need an explanation." 

"True." "Are you searching for one?" 

"What do you think?" 

In the arms of morning the stars fade in the twilight... In the arms of night the stars fall from the sky...

hush..!

She was unaware of his eyes lingering on her skin. Unaware when she got out of the bed, unaware when she came out of shower wrapped in a towel, unaware when she stood in front of the mirror and let the towel drop on the floor...

"You're beautiful!" He said lazing his eyes on her curves. Surprised, she turned back. "You're awake?" She met the naughtiness in his eyes with hers, trying in vain to conceal her smile. "I was going to wake you up", she said slipping into her salwaar kameez. "I woke up when you left me in the bed.., alone!" He replied with an impish smile, climbing off from the bed. "Might I remind you that I have to go shopping with mom?" She said stealing an iniquitous glance at his nakedness.

He was drawn to her fragrance. Raising her eyes to the mirror, she saw him moving closer and her heart started throbbing in her throat. Her senses were suddenly alive of his presence. A breath escaped from her lungs and she closed her eyes as his arms slid over her waist. The sensation was spurring her flame inside.

Gently, he turned her around, grazing his eyes over her face, her closed eyes, her quivering lips... She felt his fingers tracing her back, slipping inside her clothes, and gently pulling her close... He playfully brushed his lips over hers.., teasing her.., sensing the heat rising inside...

Suddenly, she broke away from his arms, ran to the door, opened it, and turned around to face him wearing her mischievous smile. "Hush..!" She said before closing the door behind...

personal renewal...

Here are some excerpts from John Gardner's writings on "Personal Renewal"...

***

Life is an endless unfolding, and if we wish it to be, an endless process of self-discovery, an endless and unpredictable dialogue between our own potentialities and the life situations in which we find ourselves. By potentialities I mean not just intellectual gifts but the full range of one's capacities for learning, sensing, wondering, understanding, loving and aspiring.

***

We cannot dream of a Utopia in which all arrangements are ideal and everyone is flawless. Life is tumultuous -- an endless losing and regaining of balance, a continuous struggle, never an assured victory.

***

"Meaning is not something you stumble across, like the answer to a riddle or the prize in a treasure hunt. Meaning is something you build into your life. You build it out of your own past, out of your affections and loyalties, out of the experience of humankind as it is passed on to you, out of your own talent and understanding, out of the things you believe in, out of the things and people you love, out of the values for which you are willing to sacrifice something. The ingredients are there. You are the only one who can put them together into that unique pattern that will be your life. Let it be a life that has dignity and meaning for you. If it does, then the particular balance of success or failure is of less account."

--John Gardner's writings

"Personal Renewal"
Delivered to Mckinsey & Company
Phoenix, AZ
Novemver 10, 1990

come walk by me...

Come walk by me,
In the miasma of ambiguity
enveloping the shores

Come walk by me,
In the obscurity of the night
bleached by moonlight

Come walk by me,
In the resonance of splashes
of the incensed waves

Come walk by me,
And let the night witness
our fading footprints

Come walk by me
on the sands of life,
leaving the reminiscence
of our existence
to be washed away
by the tides of time...

behind the mask..

Vicious waves crash along the shoreline of my life 

zephyr turns into nor'easter

an aching blizzard congeals my heart 

I lived so far in the miasma of my illusions

a figment of my imagination

a fantasy

I thought

I kept telling myself

I made myself believe 

I struggled

besieged

deceived by my own devise

I fell

appalling

fathomless pit of agony

I dreaded 

visions

dreams twirling into nightmare

I concealed

notes

lyrics of my love

I wished 

relentlessly

inexorably to have her in my life

how..?!!

How do you feel when you loose something you've always dreamt of having, but never had? How do you feel when you loose your dreams? How do you feel living as someone you didn't want to be? How do you feel not living with someone you wanted so badly, but living with someone whom you don't know? How long can one go on living like this?

another sleepless night...

Voices in the ears,

words loose their meaning,

and fail to strike a chord

in the heart.

The head rests on the pillow

in the hour of darkness.

Dreams become remote

as eyes accustom themselves

the the weight of 

insignificant thoughts,

devising means

to foster stupor.

Constantly being consumed

by the void,

the soul relentlessly aches

to secede from the body,

and abandon the materialistic.

Another sleepless night...

day dreaming...

With clouded thoughts in my mind, there I was, standing on my terrace, at sunset one evening. Weather had been cloudy for some time. Suddenly, just over the edge of the horizon where sun was setting, the sky opened its arms to me and cleared the clouds away. I could see the sun, fading into darkness... And at the same time I could see the stars lighting up, twinkling in the sky..., fireflies in my eyes... like flickering dreams in my mind...

A dream so beautiful, that I hadn't dreamt... But I know, I'm on a hilltop, in some countryside. And I am watching this moment pass by. And I so badly want to share it with her. I could feel her presence around me. With my eyes frantically searching for her, her name escapes from my heart, and I call her name at the top of my lungs... I knew not if I'd ever be lucky enough to have this moment again in my life. Just when I was about to give up, I felt the silk of her arms underneath mine, holding me by my shoulders from behind. I couldn't see her face. Then she moved to my side as I held her hands...

I closed my eyes and I could feel as if I'm floating. The fragrance in the breeze was familiar I thought, as it filled my lungs and I let out a sigh! I could feel her presence, her voice, her touch on my skin and in my mind. I saw her around me, and yet she wasn't there...

"I didn't know where the heaven ended and earth began..."

mAtHeMaTiCs...

Amalgam of innocence, day-dreaming, happiness... I had an amazing childhood, except for the fact that I was pathetic when it came to academics. But things changed in graduation. One fine day, the subject that I used to get petrified just thinking about, dawned to me and I instantly fell in love with it. "mAtHeMaTiCs".

Thanks to a friend, recently, I stumbled upon a long lost desire inside me to pursue higher education. So I started my preparation for CAT. "If I can crack the University entrance exam, I can crack the CAT ", I thought.

I was practicing the first chapter, Number System, of a book I bought to prepare for CAT, and the words that I heard in my mind when I read the questions were, "Kuckoo kuckoo! Yoooooooo Hoooooooo! Tring tring! Ding dong!" I couldn't believe myself that I have become so rusty with the subject! *%#@~%^#*@%~*#%@ I was swearing at myself. I looked at the questions and I went WHOA! Haven't seen these kind of questions ever in my life. Though there were tips and tricks to solve them, but purely judging by the looks, they scared me...

I couldn't take it at that moment. I was scared... just like the way I used to be, back in school! Got up, made myself some black tea, lit up a cigarette, and stood by the window. Somehow I managed to get back to the book and I started working out all the questions.

At about 1:30am, I decided to call it a day and I closed my books, switched on the TV and moved to my bed. "When Harry met Sally" was showing on Star Movies. It's a cute movie. I have seen it couple of times before, and I like it so much. All the while I was watching the movie, I was thinking, "I solved this question in this way, and I solved that question in that way, and the tips and tricks..." Hell! I wasn't even asleep and I was dreaming already!

I like it… I hate it… Whatever... I know I just can't shrug it off. So I might as well enjoy it... :)

conversations...(Part 3)

"...I don't want to talk about it anymore."

"Please try and understand... I can't... I'm so sorry... Please try and understand..."

"You don't have to say anything more. And I don't wanna talk about it anymore. I have to go early to work tomorrow. Can't keep staying awake all night. Good night and good bye..." 

The sound of silence filled the room...