hush..!

She was unaware of his eyes lingering on her skin. Unaware when she got out of the bed, unaware when she came out of shower wrapped in a towel, unaware when she stood in front of the mirror and let the towel drop on the floor...

"You're beautiful!" He said lazing his eyes on her curves. Surprised, she turned back. "You're awake?" She met the naughtiness in his eyes with hers, trying in vain to conceal her smile. "I was going to wake you up", she said slipping into her salwaar kameez. "I woke up when you left me in the bed.., alone!" He replied with an impish smile, climbing off from the bed. "Might I remind you that I have to go shopping with mom?" She said stealing an iniquitous glance at his nakedness.

He was drawn to her fragrance. Raising her eyes to the mirror, she saw him moving closer and her heart started throbbing in her throat. Her senses were suddenly alive of his presence. A breath escaped from her lungs and she closed her eyes as his arms slid over her waist. The sensation was spurring her flame inside.

Gently, he turned her around, grazing his eyes over her face, her closed eyes, her quivering lips... She felt his fingers tracing her back, slipping inside her clothes, and gently pulling her close... He playfully brushed his lips over hers.., teasing her.., sensing the heat rising inside...

Suddenly, she broke away from his arms, ran to the door, opened it, and turned around to face him wearing her mischievous smile. "Hush..!" She said before closing the door behind...

personal renewal...

Here are some excerpts from John Gardner's writings on "Personal Renewal"...

***

Life is an endless unfolding, and if we wish it to be, an endless process of self-discovery, an endless and unpredictable dialogue between our own potentialities and the life situations in which we find ourselves. By potentialities I mean not just intellectual gifts but the full range of one's capacities for learning, sensing, wondering, understanding, loving and aspiring.

***

We cannot dream of a Utopia in which all arrangements are ideal and everyone is flawless. Life is tumultuous -- an endless losing and regaining of balance, a continuous struggle, never an assured victory.

***

"Meaning is not something you stumble across, like the answer to a riddle or the prize in a treasure hunt. Meaning is something you build into your life. You build it out of your own past, out of your affections and loyalties, out of the experience of humankind as it is passed on to you, out of your own talent and understanding, out of the things you believe in, out of the things and people you love, out of the values for which you are willing to sacrifice something. The ingredients are there. You are the only one who can put them together into that unique pattern that will be your life. Let it be a life that has dignity and meaning for you. If it does, then the particular balance of success or failure is of less account."

--John Gardner's writings

"Personal Renewal"
Delivered to Mckinsey & Company
Phoenix, AZ
Novemver 10, 1990

come walk by me...

Come walk by me,
In the miasma of ambiguity
enveloping the shores

Come walk by me,
In the obscurity of the night
bleached by moonlight

Come walk by me,
In the resonance of splashes
of the incensed waves

Come walk by me,
And let the night witness
our fading footprints

Come walk by me
on the sands of life,
leaving the reminiscence
of our existence
to be washed away
by the tides of time...

behind the mask..

Vicious waves crash along the shoreline of my life 

zephyr turns into nor'easter

an aching blizzard congeals my heart 

I lived so far in the miasma of my illusions

a figment of my imagination

a fantasy

I thought

I kept telling myself

I made myself believe 

I struggled

besieged

deceived by my own devise

I fell

appalling

fathomless pit of agony

I dreaded 

visions

dreams twirling into nightmare

I concealed

notes

lyrics of my love

I wished 

relentlessly

inexorably to have her in my life

how..?!!

How do you feel when you loose something you've always dreamt of having, but never had? How do you feel when you loose your dreams? How do you feel living as someone you didn't want to be? How do you feel not living with someone you wanted so badly, but living with someone whom you don't know? How long can one go on living like this?

another sleepless night...

Voices in the ears,

words loose their meaning,

and fail to strike a chord

in the heart.

The head rests on the pillow

in the hour of darkness.

Dreams become remote

as eyes accustom themselves

the the weight of 

insignificant thoughts,

devising means

to foster stupor.

Constantly being consumed

by the void,

the soul relentlessly aches

to secede from the body,

and abandon the materialistic.

Another sleepless night...

day dreaming...

With clouded thoughts in my mind, there I was, standing on my terrace, at sunset one evening. Weather had been cloudy for some time. Suddenly, just over the edge of the horizon where sun was setting, the sky opened its arms to me and cleared the clouds away. I could see the sun, fading into darkness... And at the same time I could see the stars lighting up, twinkling in the sky..., fireflies in my eyes... like flickering dreams in my mind...

A dream so beautiful, that I hadn't dreamt... But I know, I'm on a hilltop, in some countryside. And I am watching this moment pass by. And I so badly want to share it with her. I could feel her presence around me. With my eyes frantically searching for her, her name escapes from my heart, and I call her name at the top of my lungs... I knew not if I'd ever be lucky enough to have this moment again in my life. Just when I was about to give up, I felt the silk of her arms underneath mine, holding me by my shoulders from behind. I couldn't see her face. Then she moved to my side as I held her hands...

I closed my eyes and I could feel as if I'm floating. The fragrance in the breeze was familiar I thought, as it filled my lungs and I let out a sigh! I could feel her presence, her voice, her touch on my skin and in my mind. I saw her around me, and yet she wasn't there...

"I didn't know where the heaven ended and earth began..."

mAtHeMaTiCs...

Amalgam of innocence, day-dreaming, happiness... I had an amazing childhood, except for the fact that I was pathetic when it came to academics. But things changed in graduation. One fine day, the subject that I used to get petrified just thinking about, dawned to me and I instantly fell in love with it. "mAtHeMaTiCs".

Thanks to a friend, recently, I stumbled upon a long lost desire inside me to pursue higher education. So I started my preparation for CAT. "If I can crack the University entrance exam, I can crack the CAT ", I thought.

I was practicing the first chapter, Number System, of a book I bought to prepare for CAT, and the words that I heard in my mind when I read the questions were, "Kuckoo kuckoo! Yoooooooo Hoooooooo! Tring tring! Ding dong!" I couldn't believe myself that I have become so rusty with the subject! *%#@~%^#*@%~*#%@ I was swearing at myself. I looked at the questions and I went WHOA! Haven't seen these kind of questions ever in my life. Though there were tips and tricks to solve them, but purely judging by the looks, they scared me...

I couldn't take it at that moment. I was scared... just like the way I used to be, back in school! Got up, made myself some black tea, lit up a cigarette, and stood by the window. Somehow I managed to get back to the book and I started working out all the questions.

At about 1:30am, I decided to call it a day and I closed my books, switched on the TV and moved to my bed. "When Harry met Sally" was showing on Star Movies. It's a cute movie. I have seen it couple of times before, and I like it so much. All the while I was watching the movie, I was thinking, "I solved this question in this way, and I solved that question in that way, and the tips and tricks..." Hell! I wasn't even asleep and I was dreaming already!

I like it… I hate it… Whatever... I know I just can't shrug it off. So I might as well enjoy it... :)

conversations...(Part 3)

"...I don't want to talk about it anymore."

"Please try and understand... I can't... I'm so sorry... Please try and understand..."

"You don't have to say anything more. And I don't wanna talk about it anymore. I have to go early to work tomorrow. Can't keep staying awake all night. Good night and good bye..." 

The sound of silence filled the room...

conversations...(Part 2)

"Hellooooo!" 

"Hi!"

"When do you plan to leave from office?"

"I don't know. I think I'll be late tonight."

"Hmmm... Maybe we can catch up for a late dinner?"

"Mom has already cooked dinner at home. You know how she reacts. If you'd have called up before, I'd have asked her not to cook."

"I know. But I couldn't have helped it. I was busy in the office, and I just reached home."

"Thats okay. There's something I wanted to talk to you about."

"Sure thing. Tell me..."

"About an hour back I got a call from my dad."

"How is he? Is he still in Cal?"

"...I don't think its the best time to talk about this. Maybe tomorrow. I need to see you."

"Well.., you could tell me what is it all about. Curiosity kills the cat you know..."

"Its not funny..."

"What happened?" 

"I'll talk to you later..."

"Are you okay?"

"I'm fine... I guess..."

"Tell me. You are definitely not okay, and neither you sound like you're okay."

"I don't know. I don't know how you'd take this"

"Why do you say so? What happened?"

"Dad said..."

"Hmm.... Well its a problem that we shall have remedy for."

"I don't know. I am very upset, and since I spoke to my dad, I haven't been back on my desk. I guess I should be going back to my desk now."

"I'll call you in the night. Take care..."

The sound of wind chimes filled the room...

conversations...(Part 1)

"How long are you gonna take to get ready?"

"I don't know. I need to take a shower and water ain't hot yet . Gyser doesn't seem to be working here."

"It sure is very cold out here."

"Isn't your mom wondering where you are right now?"

"I told her I'd go see if you are ready."

"Its very cold here. Why don't you come and sit by the fireplace here?"

"Do you remember how all these years and so many times we wanted to get away to a place like this but could never find time for ourselves?"

"I missed you..."

"I missed you too..."

"...Will you marry me?"

"Yes!!!." 

The light from the burning firewood filled the room...

wicked games

"The world was on fire..." 

High on a hill, just below the reach of the clouds, silhouette of two souls, and the feeble sunlight of a magnificent evening, crawling over their contours, fading into darkness... 

What a wicked game to play, to make me feel this way..."

The light of candles and the glow of her face. The smell of flowers and the fragrance of her body. The touch of her skin and the fire raging within. The reflections in the mirror of their bodies melting into one... 

"What a wicked thing to, do to make me dream of you..."

the little prince

I just happened to remember this book I read sometime last year, which made so much sense to me. But down the line I had almost forgotten about it until yesterday night when I was out for a drive and I dunno how and why and from where the whole of the story just popped back into my mind.

Originally written in French by Antoine de Saint Exupery in the year 1943 (just a year before his death), The Little Prince is an enigmatic and an elegiac fable about love, friendship, identity, relationship, imagination and creative thinking.

Here are a couple of excerpts from the book:

P.S. This might seem to be a very long post to read, but trust me, the excerpts here are worth reading, and I'm sure it will capture your interest, strong enough to make you read this book!

Chapter 7
..."If some one loves a flower, of which just one single blossom grows in all the millions and millions of stars, it is enough to make him happy just to look at the stars. He can say to himself, 'Somewhere, my flower is there...' But if the sheep eats the flower, in one moment all his stars will be darkened... And you think that is not important!"...

Chapter 9
...He believed that he would never want to return. But on this last morning all these familiar tasks seemed very precious to him. And when he watered the flower for the last time, and prepared to place her under the shelter of her glass globe, he realised that he was very close to tears. "Goodbye," he said to the flower. But she made no answer. "Goodbye," he said again. The flower coughed. But it was not because she had a cold.

"I have been silly," she said to him, at last. "I ask your forgiveness. Try to be happy..." He was surprised by this absence of reproaches. He stood there all bewildered, the glass globe held arrested in mid-air. He did not understand this quiet sweetness. "Of course I love you," the flower said to him. "It is my fault that you have not known it all the while. That is of no importance. But you, you have been just as foolish as I. Try to be happy... let the glass globe be. I don't want it any more." "But the wind..." "My cold is not so bad as all that... the cool night air will do me good. I am a flower." "But the animals..." "Well, I must endure the presence of two or three caterpillars if I wish to become acquainted with the butterflies. It seems that they are very beautiful. And if not the butterflies and the caterpillars who will call upon me? You will be far away... as for the large animals, I am not at all afraid of any of them. I have my claws." And, naively, she showed her four thorns. Then she added: "Don't linger like this. You have decided to go away. Now go!" For she did not want him to see her crying. She was such a proud flower...

Chapter 21
..."Just that," said the fox. "To me, you are still nothing more than a little boy who is just like a hundred thousand other little boys. And I have no need of you. And you, on your part, have no need of me. To you, I am nothing more than a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes. But if you tame me, then we shall need each other. To me, you will be unique in all the world. To you, I shall be unique in all the world..."

..."But I have not much time. I have friends to discover, and a great many things to understand." "One only understands the things that one tames," said the fox. "Men have no more time to understand anything. They buy things all ready made at the shops. But there is no shop anywhere where one can buy friendship, and so men have no friends any more. If you want a friend, tame me..."

..."It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye."

Chapter 25
..."The men where you live," said the little prince, "grow five thousand roses in the same garden ... and they do not find what they are looking for ..." "They do not find it," I replied. "And yet, what they are looking for could be found in a single rose or in a little water." "Yes, indeed," I replied. And the little prince added: "But the eyes are blind. One must look with the heart"...

Chapter 26
..."All men have the stars," he answered, "but they are not the same things for different people. For some, who are travelers, the stars are guides. For others they are no more than little lights in the sky. For others, who are scholars, they are problems. For my businessman they were wealth. But all these stars are silent. You, you alone, will have the stars as no one else has them" "What are you trying to say?" "In one of the stars I shall be living. In one of them I shall be laughing. And so it will be as if all the stars were laughing, when you look at the sky at night... you, only you, will have stars that can laugh!"...

Though relatively a short story, it's one the best books that I've ever come across. The only other book that I can parallel is The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho.

the treasure...

Where did I loose myself? When did I loose myself? And how did I find myself? How different life seems.., I knew I'd... but was taken by surprise, I knew it'd... but was taken by surprise, by life... Why is it that the songs sound meaningful? Why is it that the breeze that flows through my windows at home keeps me awake all night? Why is the call of the night stronger?

Everything that happens in this universe is for a reason. Universe conspires and shows us signs, and if we don't follow these signs, the Universe stops conspiring and stops showing us these signs, leaving us completely directionless and disoriented in life. We all have to find our way through the dense fog of confusion.

Like Paulo Coelho said in The Alchemist, "To realize one's destiny is a person's only obligation." I'm headed to find my treasure not knowing if I'd ever find it. It's the possibility of having a dream come true that makes life worth living...

a long drive in the night...

Sunday June 5, 2005. 11:15pm. I fired the engine of my car in the night of a breezy Bangalore weather. A night before, I had been to Insomnia and hadn't caught enough sleep and had been out shopping all day long. Yet I was not feeling tired. I pushed the gears as soon as the engine roared, and I started from the Central Street, heading towards Hebbal flyover.

Sunday night, when most of the people head for home calling it a day early, thinking about the Monday blues, I was lost in the pleasures of breeze running through my hairs, face and filling my lungs, while I was listening to RABBI. The music, the breeze, the night, the drive, I could feel the vibrations of each note played inside my mind... it was all hypnotic! I didn't realize when I circled the Hebbal flyover towards Hosur and reached Electronic City. But that was still not enough and I just couldn't stop myself. I turned the car and headed back through the same route, this time, towards Devnahalli.

Driving out in the night always makes me feel so happy inside, and so comfortable about being myself as well... like doing things like drinking coffee, watching a movie, going to 13th Floor, going for shopping etc. without bothering too much about tomorrow. Life always finds ways to lead us on... I would have kept driving and ended up in Hyderabad, in fact I wanted to, I didn't want this to end.., but I heard a voice in my ears that pulled my senses back to reality and I turned my car back towards central street and then to home.

After 4 hours and around 150 Kms of driving that night I still didn't want it to end. So I decided that this weekend I'll be driving all the way to Hyderabad and back. I'm gonna be starting somewhere between 8pm -10pm tonight and will be reaching there at around 6am - 7am Saturday morning. Am I scared...? No. Thrilled? Yes! :) I wish life could always be like...

blogger's park... by ramya kannan

2005

The article Blogger's Park by Ramya Kannan featured on sunday's magzine supplement of The Hindu. Though I was not interviewed, my picture was still published :-D I'm standing on the left corner in the picture. Thanks to Anita Bora and Ramya Kannan... :)

bangalore's bloggers meet...

Barista on St. Mark's Road



Bangalore Bloggers... Pic 1



Bangalore Bloggers... Pic 2

connection...

During the early hours on a Friday evening, a week back, I was in the office when I got a call from my friend X. He asked me if I'd wanna meet up for coffee with him and a friend of ours, Y. I was planning to stay late in the office coz I didn't have no better reason to leave early. His call was a welcome surprise. I told him that I'd need to go home and freshen up and will come and pick them from his place. An hour later, and slightly delayed with our plans, the three of us were on Church Street.

A Friday evening in the life of bachelors! :) (Though Y is married, but his wife had gone to visit her parents, so I'm counting him as one...) For those who don't know, Bangalore is famous for 3 B's. Books, Bakery and Babes (No offence meant). The whole of the Church Street was filled with waxed legs in mini-skirts... Y even insisted that we stood outside Taika's for a while, with a laugh.

It was around 10:30pm and Barista was not very crowded. We had just settled down with coffee when X said he wanted to discuss something. Y and I were all ears and he began.

"I like this girl I met recently. I had been to Reliance Web World to enquire about new connection where I met this girl who works there. She's very simple and always wears a smile. She's like no one I've ever met. I'd like to be friends with her."

"Hmmm.., do you wanna be ONLY friends with her or do you wanna be MORE THAN friends with her?" I asked X.

"More than friends of course", he grinned. "I had been to another shop where the same new connection was Rs.200 less, still I went to Reliance Web World again because of her. How do I talk to her? Should I tell her?" He asked changing glances from me to Y.

All this time, Y was a silent spectator to the conversation between me and X, and all of a sudden he jumped in. "Abe dikhne mein kaisi hai woh?"

Both of us looked at him and shot back in almost chorus, "Abe teri shaadi ho chuki hai. Tu chupp kar!" Y cracked a laugh and sank further in his chair.

I asked X, "What is your problem?"

"Mein kya boolun usko? Usne mana kar diya to? Uska koi boyfriend hua to? Joote padenge..", he replied.

I told X to go to her and when not too many people are around then tell her, "I don’t know why am I doing this, but I like you and I'd like to get to know you.. Wanna go out for a coffee...?"

Hearing this, X literally jumped off his chair. "Abe ye America nahi hai ki jo chahe bol diya kisi ko."

"What is wrong with that?" I thought, before letting my mind return back to that conversation. It took a bit of convincing from me and Y, and finally X agreed to go up to her and tell her what I suggested him.

Since then, I have thought more about this, what is wrong in approaching someone and telling him/her the same? We just have to accept the possibility of rejection. And why do we find it scary to accept? And how scary could it be even if it is...I really wonder. But then again, there could be people who'd create a huge scene out of this; and the thought rings sirens in our mind.

There are so many questions that are unanswered, and instead of searching for the answers, I've chosen to experience them myself. So did X.

And if you're wondering what happened after that, did X go and tell her? Well.., yes he did. He told her the exact same phrase the next day. But to his disappointment, she smiled, as usual, and in a very sweet tone replied, "I have a boyfriend!" :) My friend finished the document work and left exchanging small "good bye" with her. That wasn't too tough for either of them...was it?

a late night walk... (Part 3)

There was a thoughtful, weighted silence. The road in front of him was mostly empty. Occassionally a speeding vehicle would pass by, splashing accross the water on the street, and he would jump away to avoid the splashes, and would return to walking on the edges of the pavement of the footpath. It reminded him of the stupid games he used to play with his friends in childhood: jumping in the small puddles of water on the road and splashing his feet to try and drench others, though he ended up drenching himself up more. It wasn't so stupid then, he wondered.

Did he just choose to ignore this part of himself or was it that he didn't enjoy it anymore? There was a measure of uncertanity surrounding that. All that he could see was the emptiness of the road running into darkness in front of him.

All that he could see was an illusion, he thought. An illusion. An illusion was probably what he had created in his mind. An illusion was probably what he's been living in, in the last 8 years. An illusion was probably what he brodcasted to others around him. An illusion was probably what had him confounded on the road that lay in front of him...

a late night walk... (Part 2)

The breeze outside was cold and thick. He knew: that he did not have any place to go to; that he was carrying too much luggage for his mind; that he had slept badly every night; that the Bangalore weather has inexplicably changed to colder for him in the last four years; the four year long bourgeois muddle of continuance; cold enough to have put him through many tough situations. He believed that everybody had their life entirely in their hands and were required to live with their own errors and mistakes.

None of this mattered to him though. It may even have pleased him in some way. Pleased him and amused him enough to make him smile. He was experiencing an un-anchored sensation of not knowing exactly how to make life as eventful and as important as possible, but he knew that he wouldn't fail of courage if courage was required.

Walking down the water laden streets from the spell of rain: he was contemplating the colossal structure of Prestige Acropolis appartments at the intersection of Hosur Road and Thavarekere Main Road, about 300 meters from where he lived, contemplating the life he has lived in the past four years. "How different would it be not living here in Bangalore?" His thoughts drifted back in time...

a late night walk... (Part 1)

"I must have dozed off", he said to himself as he opened his eyes. A slight burning sensation in his stomach was making him uneasy. He cursed himself for the overdose of alcohol from early that evening. That evening had been great though. He had been to the 13th Floor; his favorite place, with his favorite friends, and had spent some real quality time there.

Getting out of the bed, he dragged himself to the kitchen bare feet, dressed in his pajamas and fixed himself a glass of water. Water was cold! And with that sip of water, he felt his senses coming to life. Everything was cold. He was feeling cold. Bangalore weather at its best, he smiled to himself walking back to his bedroom.

Just when he was about to get into bed again when a near-distant noise of dogs howling on the streets caught his attention. Walking up to the open windows he leaned against the cold windowpane. It was dark outside. The cold breeze brushed against his face and caressed his hairs. The early summer weather, crispy and dry, filled with plenty of mid afternoon sunshine and pleasant evening, had suddenly and rudely turned cold and miserably wet. This sudden change in the weather, however, filled his mind with satisfaction.

A perfect time for a late night walks, or should he brand it as an early morning walk? He looked at his watch with a sense of indecision. It was 2:17am. If he were to ask anyone for the company, they could consider him thickheaded and stupid. But then again, there was no one he could have approached for this obtuse idea at this hour, he mocked himself. Ten minutes later, he was in his nike and track suit standing outside his house overlooking the intersection of the 2nd Cross.

Four years have gone by since he moved to this house. In the past four years, so many things have changed, so many people have changed, he has changed. The illusion of a sparkling and dazzling city life has long faded from his mind. Lighting up a cigarette and pushing the thought away from his mind he started walking into the darkness. Knowing not where to go, knowing not why was he doing this, knowing not what inside made him feel like doing it. He just wanted to do it…

the retreat...

The heat burning my soul. I see mirage on the road. I have been chasing emptiness all my life. Milky way bright, in the fading twilight. Unfulfilled wishes, of stars falling in the night. I have been praying all my life. Rough wind caught in my eyes. Eroded dreams and bitter lonliness hidden in my tearless cries. I've been travelling all my life. Searching for that one retreat, where I could spend all my life.

your smile...

the way you smile
looks like flowers all the while
and it reminds me of the spring
and of the joys it brings
and like the coulds fly
over the mountain high
as if my dreams come true
when i close my eyes
and like a morning breeze
that feels so good
and like a soft wind
that flows in the woods
and like a beautiful sunrise
and a wonderful sunset
and like a diamond's shine
and like the colour of garmet
and like inthe midst of a desert
a lake to see
your smile is what
it means to me...

questions I sometimes ask myself...

A perfect life. The most complicated equation: of transcendent beauty and of human love. I cannot live a long time in a place where I don't belong. How long can I keep waiting for something that I've never known? A question I sometimes ask myself...

The worst part about being lonely would be my thinking; not being able to control what goes through my mind. But, how many people think my thoughts for me when I lay my head on the pillow in the night? A question I sometimes ask myself...

What do I want most of all, when I have experienced much, suffered some, preserved, tried to do good when good was within reach? What does this experience tell me that I can profit from? That the memory of pain mounts up and lays a significant weight upon the present and the truth that one can discover is exactly what is possible, valuable and desirable between human beings on a low level of events. If something makes me feel good for a moment and no one is crushed by it, what is the use of denying it to myself? A question I sometimes ask myself...

... I have felt purposeless for quite some time now. As if I myself have no need for existence, and there is no sense of future - as a palpable thing we look forward to confidently... Even if what it held might be sad or tragic or unwantable. The future is still there ofcourse; I simply don't know how to imagine it. Will life improve remarkably if I took courage to take control of things in my life and to live with the consequences of my actions? A question I sometimes ask myself...

Ozymandias

I met a traveller from an antique land
Who said: "Two vast and trunkless legs of stone stand in the desert.
Near them on the sand, Half sunk, a shattered visage lies, whose frown
And wrinkled lip and sneer of cold command
Tell that its sculptor well those passions read
Which yet survive, stamped on these lifeless things,
The hand that mocked them and the heart that fed.
And on the pedestal these words appear: My name is Ozymandias,
King of Kings: Look on my works, ye mighty, and despair!'
Nothing beside remains.
Round the decay of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare,
The lone and level sands stretch far away.
-Shelley, Percy Bysshe